Garret the Kid!!

I found this flyer posted on the courthouse!! This guy looks mean!! Look at those guns!! In old westerns, they call these handbills.

I am, at current, an outlaw. I have been forced to go from town to town, to hide my shame.

I have a six string though, Bon Jovi would be proud.

It wasn’t always this way. The beautiful city of Tucson got me again.

Tucson got me for jay-walking once. I was building a parking garage in downtown. I jay-walked to a hot dog cart, during my lunch break, on a one way street, that was under construction, by me, for $163-american fine.

This is much worse however, Cracked Windshield. Outlaw. Never mind the drug cartels, jaywalking-junky-truck-having outlaws must be stopped, before it goes too far.

It all started when I left Joe and Tami-lynn’s house for the Blue Willow one morning in early summer 2010. I was meeting my buds Adam and Amy (Amy Good Gorilla) for breakfast.

In order that the community be better as a whole, and to protect and serve, a do-a-good-job cop stopped me. After the license, registration, insurance and me not being under the influence was established, alas, I had committed a more serious offense!! Driving while having a crack in the windshield!

How could I?

I am glad that he addressed this issue, though. This is an epidemic after all!! I would assume that the majority of people reading this, have at least a chip in their windshield!! It is everywhere!!

I did what any Arizonan would do, in order that the hinderance in driving with faulty equipment be remediated: I went to South Phoenix with my Grandfather and found a dude to fix it. $100 later, I am safe to drive again. (sigh of relief)

Ah, I made a misstep. I did not return to Tucson and give notice that my windshield had been fixed, that the world was safe again, and people of Tucson can rest most comfortably.

Suspended License. $260 fine now. Also, driving on a suspended license is punishable by a jail stay and impounding of vehicle. I’m sure more fines come with that, too.

I am in hiding!! Much like Billy the Kid – my whereabouts must not be known. I am armed with shovel and knife. I am in the desert. I wait. Until my grandpa and I can get this figured out. Outlaw.

All in the name of protecting and serving. It is a noble job, windshield enforcement. It must be done to keep cracked-windhshielded riff-raff out of our cities!!

I can’t help but to think of how beautiful Tucson would be if its windshields were free of imperfections!! The Raider and Dodger fans could move drugs up through Tucson to the rest of the country with no worries of faulty auto-glass causing driving impediments and accidents. The homeless people that call Tucson home could be seen easier, and use smaller signs to beg, without cracked auto-glass. The borrowers of car audio electronics, could more easily ascertain which vehicles had the best offerings, and then borrow better stereos, without cracked auto-glass. Efficiency!! Let us keep our auto-glass immaculate!! For a better Tucson!!!

Anyhow, I have to file a motion to try and recover my fine and get this offense put to bed. I should have taken this much more seriously. Let this story not fall on deaf ears!! Keep your vehicles in good repair!!

Let my martyr-esqe actions be a lesson to all!!

Edward Abbey would be proud of my civil traffic disobedience at least.

The Bruce man is loose on them now! I am pretty sure my Grandfather Bruce has Esq. after his name. We should be able to use that. Also, his middle name is persistence.

Before buying a fake mustache, and dying my hair jet black to conceal my identity, I drove through nearly the entire state of California.

People graffiti in the wilderness in NOR-CAL Bro!! Yeah dude!! Check out these gnar-gnar ups on the forest bridge brah!!

It isn’t all that way though – Most of it is beautiful!

There is some very pretty coastline to be had up north. San Francisco and south, is pretty much citified though. Big Sur was cool.

San Francisco!!! My favorite city in the world!!!

Here is what happened there, bullet-pointed, in no specific order:

  • Chaz and I ate pizza at 3am with two pretty girls, Montana and Mika, – we had cheese and supreme slices.
  • A crazed homeless man named Phillip introduced himself and then drank a kamikaze next to us. While he did that, he yelled the most sexually perverse things, concerning fellatio, that I have heard. Phillip made for an awkward bar neighbor.
  • I found a fly-fishing practice area and wild buffalo in the park.
  • Irish Car-Bombs.
  • Chaz and I ate hamburgers and drank beer for breakfast.
  • The giants were playing on TV at all the bars. We hate the giants. We secretly cheered against them, everywhere we went. I don’t remember who won.
  • I slept in my sleeping bag on Golden Gate Bridge.
  • At one bar, we stole some birthday cake and ate it. We didn’t STEAL IT – we just sliced a piece off. It was very good.
  • I told two pretty girls that were alone, that Chaz and I were doing our best to look cool, and that it would greatly help if we could sit next to them. They laughed. We didn’t say anything to them, just sat next to them looking sharp and talking amongst ourselves. They started to talk to us after about an hour. I didn’t expect that to work. It was better than our “good cop, bad cop” technique. They followed us around for about the rest of the night. They were cool girls.
  • We played the basketball game in a bar. We watched an Asian dude score a 17 and then the girl after him score a 39. haha.
  • From a nice bar, we took the two girls to a shitty bar and Chaz bought them “two gin and tonics – make it really cheap gin”. The drinks were strong and unpleasant.
  • I decided Haight Ashbury is my kind of neighborhood.
  • Chaz decided that when I call him “Chaz from Marina District”, it sounds “douchy”. Charlie from San Fran doesn’t sound much better, though.
  • Chaz and I decided that we need to work on becoming better friends. We are getting matching tattoos at homecoming this year in Tucson.
  • Either Chaz or I, or somebody, stole a pumpkin from a bar.
  • Either Chaz or I, or somebody, traded the pumpkin for 3 clove-cigarettes.
  • Either Chaz or I, or somebody, gave the 3 clove-cigarettes to a bum so that he could sell them for money to eat.
  • Nobody knows what Chaz does for work. I asked him. He didn’t say. Him and another dude were talking about working in finance, I overheard a bunch of acronyms. It sounded terrible. I don’t want to know what Chaz does.

That was about it for San Francisco. I love that city. Pictures:

Obama and Biden smoking pot-marijuana!

The fly-fishing practice ponds. They have casting accuracy competitions. There is no fish. NO FISH.

View of Chaz’s block of the Marina District from his patio. Really cool place. Good job Chaz!!

For Ome – This plaque was in the Shakespeare Garden, I thought you would like this.

Up next: Hiding in the desert from the law , Bachelor Party in Laughlin – Oh dear! , Back to work!!!



5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. "Chaz"
    Oct 12, 2010 @ 22:57:28

    I would say that’s a pretty accurate summary of your time in San Francisco. I am offended you referred to Voodoo as a “shitty bar” though – that place is first class all the way…


  2. Jeff
    Oct 14, 2010 @ 07:20:08


    I enjoy following your blog. After reading your last post, I decided to check my windshild. I have seven chips. I decided to go underground until the heat is off. Tell everyone not to look for me, as I will be hiding in the woods north of ……….?

    take care,



  3. The Super Natural
    Oct 14, 2010 @ 09:58:49

    Is Johnny Mac doing the dragon?


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